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Thursday, June 30, 2016

Uncovering the Truth Behind Lying

We've all told them: lies, cover-ups, white lies, fibs, untruths, omissions. Why do we lie? We lie for two main reasons: to protect others and to protect ourselves. This article is about lying--not compulsive lying--but the human tendency to not tell the truth when it serves us or our interests to do so.

We lie to protect others: We may lie so we don't hurt the other person. Faced with the question: "How does this outfit look on me?" , to spare the other person's feelings, we tell an untruth.

We lie to protect ourselves: We may lie so we don't look bad, stupid, unscrupulous, unworthy, not good enough, etc., and effectively, so that we don't have to face the consequences of telling the truth. Like the child who says they didn't take a cookie from the cookie jar.

Types of Lies
  1. The little white lie - both self and other protecting, these are spontaneous lies. Feeling put on the spot, we tell an untruth, telling ourselves that it's just a little white lie, what harm can it do?
  2. Lies of omission - self-protecting, we use these strategically. When asked, I may tell my partner that I bought several items and leave out one particular item, knowing they may not agree with the purchase.
  3. Outright lies - can be both self and other-protecting. They are strategic and also used to cover up as we carefully and consciously weigh the consequences of truth-telling. People who are addicted to substances may outright lie because their disease is one of shame and cover-up. Certainly this is self-protection and designed to avoid the consequences of their behaviour.
  4. Lies of denial - these are very self-protecting in that sometimes we don't even know we are lying. We have a blindspot. This can protect us from the pain of the reality as we deny that something terrible happened to us. We might see this in people who deny being abused or parts of the abuse. 
To lie or not to lie...?

Here are some questions to ask...
  • What do I value?
  • Am I telling lies to cover up other lies?
  • Are the consequences of telling the truth more uncomfortable than living the lie?
  • How do I honor my conscience? My integrity?
  • Might I adopt the policy of: "I will tell the truth if I am asked."?

Generally, no one wants to look bad or feel bad for upsetting another person. Our default is to save face, and it is only human to act in our self-interests. Often lying enables this, albeit at a cost. That cost is a false sense of well-being because lying risks producing guilt feelings and often begets more lying. We can get caught up and caught in our lying. Ultimately lying is self-protecting, and in the end, we are accountable only to ourselves.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

A Thorn in Your Paw

Animals sometimes get thorns lodged in their paws and it hurts bad. Not knowing exactly what is causing the pain, they are out of sorts and snappy, even dangerous. And unable to express the depth of their pain, they react.

Humans do this too. Sometimes a physical pain causes us to feel out of sorts. Sometimes an emotional or spiritual wound festers and we feel a malaise. It might be difficult to express the pain, its depth or its quality. We might even feel confusion. We feel a thorn in our paw and we want to salve it.

Awareness is the huge first step. Then comes acceptance of the situation, acceptance that we feel powerless to change anything about our pain, the cause of it, the circumstances we find ourselves in, and acceptance that we are exactly where we need to be: learning a life lesson. Only then can we take the lesson to a practical level and move into action.

What can we give ourselves while we're waiting for a thorn to work itself out? Self-care. Gentleness. Time. Reaching out to others. Love. Patience. And above all, trusting that the pain will resolve for a greater good.

Thursday, May 1, 2014


The law of attraction is a beautiful thing. And it works miracles in your life! I created a laundry list of attributes I was seeking in a partner, filling pages of a journal. My top request was that this special person be like me. And why not? As I was working hard to love myself after so many years of low self-worth, I realized that attracting someone who is my mirror would be even more healing. If I could love and accept that which is imperfect in myself, then I could love the same in another. Enter my mirror. I look into the soul of this man and see beauty as I can now look into my own soul and see what previously eluded me. Love is a forgiving thing. So many years spent not loving me, so many years spent not feeling enough. How I am reminded that the journey we all travel, is paved with similarities. The mirror has two sides and they're both reflecting simultaneously.

Have you ever met your mirror? What was the reflection, that when you really considered it, you fell in love with yourself all over again?

Thursday, April 3, 2014

When Relationships Heal

Have you ever met your mirror? It's where you find yourself looking at YOU
through another person. You let yourself experience the fullness and richness of the relationship because you know this connection will help you grow. You dare to go there.

Like other changes, a new relationship that holds up a mirror, can be overwhelming. This is the stuff of life transition. Only in this case, it is a healing transition. Rather than duking it out with another person's demons, I can journey with someone whole and following their truth path, who is willing to help me along mine. It can be as scary as it is exhilarating! There's no map for this uncharted territory of the heart and soul. I need only trust. The hidden treasure that surfaces, eclipses all riches.

Have YOU ever met your mirror? And what did you learn about yourself?

Coaching with Kelly can help you hold up that mirror to see where you may be stuck in relationships. Call: 514-996-2414.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Is Your Back Against the Wall?

What makes change so scary? More than the change itself, perhaps it's the fear of actually being successful because when you change something, you risk making it better and if you make it better, you have a responsibility to uphold. That responsibility might seem scary. Imagine being responsible for something you actually want!

Take leaving a relationship or a job--something known--and jumping into the unknown. Why is that prospect so fear-inducing? You're not happy. You complain that things aren't right, yet you stay. You are comfortable in your discomfort. There is a weighing of what is known and uncomfortable against what is unknown and seemingly uncomfortable. The gap is your own comfort or discomfort.

This is what makes the path of least resistance so enticing. I don't believe it's laziness or even complacency. True that we are creatures of habit. So what makes habits so compelling? Is it that we put ourselves on autopilot? Or do these habits relate to the deeper, more entrenched patterns, often subconscious? It's said that it takes 21 days to break or form a habit.

To really change a habit you must first be aware that the discomfort is your driver. Like hitting bottom. Something's got to give--and it has! You've tolerated THAT THING long enough! You're uncomfortable enough in your discomfort that now it's time to make a change. You're actually ready! That gets into the gap and makes you weigh your comfort against your discomfort. That is what gets you into action. Something has pushed you to your limit and you are now ready to take on changing SOMETHING, ANYTHING. And while you look at changing, there's still part of you that wants to run back. Until the point of no return, the taste of what could be. It tastes good, so good that you actually see the possibility. Ah, change...scary yet compelling.

What is the one change you'd make if you weren't afraid?

Kelly can help you dig deep and uncover those fears holding you back from truly living. Call 514.996.2414 to learn more about empowerment coaching.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Seeking the Good...and Finding the Great

Positive feedback, compliments, kudos, congratulations, endorsements, thank you's...do you give these often and quickly? In my hurried and busy life, I sometimes forget to take the time to appreciate: see the good in all things, people and situations and actually say so. From thanking the server who pours my coffee, to taking the time to notice something--however simple--that someone has done or achieved, all acknowledgement of the little acts of good add up.

During a recent conversation with an esteemed colleague we talked about the word "extraordinary" to describe what at first glance, look like ordinary actions. I realized that we may not be accustomed to appreciating the little efforts people make that form the larger effort involved in achieving even the smallest tasks. It was mentioned during this conversation that Helen Keller was extraordinary. Yet what about someone who takes a seemingly small step towards that huge change, surprising even themselves? Or the person who helps another in a small way that makes a huge difference to the receiver? Are we so used to only noticing big feats garnering attention and headline news that the little everyday miracles are lost on us, dismissed as unimportant?

What can you do?
  • Notice everything
  • Take nothing for granted
  • Give compliments and then give some more, and genuinely
  • Look for the good in people, constantly
  • Avoid "That's nice," and rather, say what you observe: "You got back to me so quickly on that, thank you!"
  • Step back from the negative: see it as happening around you rather than to you
  • Live in gratitude

Applauding other peoples' seemingly small efforts reinforces the qualities that inspire people to make those heroic efforts. Some days it's a heroic effort to just show up. When someone tells us how strong we are, how much good we've done, we rise to that greatness. And we show up differently.

How can you show up differently by endorsing someone else?

Call Kelly for your complimentary 30-minute coaching session to learn more about finding the great in YOU: 514.996.2414!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Puzzled by Denial?

Sometimes facing reality is too much for us to handle. We may find ourselves ignoring a situation or denying that it even exists because the alternative is to live in the discomfort of the pain. We retreat psychologically to protect ourselves. When dealing with emotionally or physically painful situations, denial can be self-preserving. In our denial, we may feel confusion, fear, anxiety and even resentment as we know that something is not quite right. There is suffering in denial.

I’ve experienced a difficult situation that had me denying my reality. My denial was challenged by clues that I had missed and began recognizing as pieces of a puzzle fitting together. And when the puzzle formed, I had complete clarity and vision about what to do. When I had more information and understanding, I could no longer deny reality. Almost seamlessly, a chain of events unfolded around taking action. There was no resistance—only the path unfoldingas I was guided forward. The steps I took to crack open the suffering of denial and face reality, included:
  1. Readiness to face the discomfort
  2. Willingness to change
  3. Paying attention to my intuition
  4. Detaching from the situation and the outcome
  5. Trusting in a greater good and a grander plan
  6. Gratitude and appreciation for what IS

You can apply these steps to any situation where you feel pain, uncertainty and fear. There is great learning in suffering. And remember that moving from the comfort of denial into the bite of reality is a process that takes time—its own time.

Are you in a state of denial that if you were to change, you’d experience greater joy, alignment with your values and the abundance life offers? What does moving from denial into action look like?

Coaching with Kelly can help you break through the barrier of denial. Call now to schedule your complimentary 30-minute coaching session.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Write Your Personal Manifesto

Let's consider a different way of setting New Year's Resolutions: write your Personal Manifesto! This is your personal mission statement, a public declaration of your intent, opinions, policies or aims. And it derives from the Italian word "to manifest"--how cool is that??! You can draw this out on cardboard or use an online template.

I created my Manifesto with Fotor and using a free background image from Morguefile. I started with a key phrase, "I AM...," powerful words for setting intention and creating my reality, and built around them without over-thinking. I was amazed at the unfolding of my Manifesto as words found their right place on the poster and in relationship to other words and phrases.

Approach writing your statements by:
  1. Brainstorming words that hold meaning for you
  2. Stating your beliefs, values or vision
  3. Listing your pleasures or the things you know for sure (A la Oprah Winfrey)
  4. Imagining that you're giving a 30-second pitch: jot down what first comes to mind--fast!

Play with fonts and colors. Fotor also enables special effects and framing. Don't censor yourself or hold back--have fun with it!

Once done, you can save your "posterized" Manifesto as a jpg, e-mail it to yourself and check back in a few months to see where you're at with your goals. Or post it to your Pinterest, Facebook and Twitter pages for more public accountability. Alternatively, send your Manifesto to a close friend or your coach for confidential accountability.

Manifest YOUR 2014!

As an Empowerment Coach-Transition Partner, I AM seeking to accompany you along your journey through change. Call today to schedule your complimentary 30-minute coaching call: 514.996.2414!

Monday, January 6, 2014

Sit With Your Discomfort

Photo courtesy of Morguefile
It's challenging to break a pattern or change a long-standing behavior. This requires awareness and the inspiration to change, moving out of your comfort zone as you try a new approach. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, the alternative can feel more insane. Take the example of saying "No" to something you've always said "Yes" to and about which you've harbored resentment. As you sit with your "No," you may:
  • Second-guess yourself
  • Rehash the conversation in your mind
  • Attribute feelings of disappointment and displeasure to the recipient
  • Entertain feelings of guilt
  • Overcompensate as you try to make yourself comfortable in a space that now feels uncomfortable

A dear friend of mine calls this nano seconds--the time spent spinning around a decision or line drawn in the sand. You may want to run back and compromise. I've run back many times, disregarding my own truth and not standing my ground, only to be slowly pulled back into the familiar pattern.

Don't do anything; just sit with the newness and your discomfort. Be prepared to sit in that uncomfortable space while the new habit/behavior takes root. This takes time. What can you do in that space while you wait? What self-care can you enact in place of the old behavior?

Empowerment coaching helps you set goals for new behaviors. Call today for YOUR complimentary 30-minute coaching session: 514.996.2414.